by Karnivore Kayla
I’m going to begin with THIS POST HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH FITNESS OR NUTRITION and really only applies to you if you are a messy, tryna-fit-every-bit-of-food-in-your-mouth-without-spilling, hangry busy beast that uses clothing as a napkin. Because that is truly what clothes are for. They are giant, fancy, napkin-rags that lose value within the moment you stain them, or wipe your filthy, oily hands on them. Procedure is then to wash the “clothes” even though you know deep down that stain is there to haunt you forever, so you shamefully hang it back up in your closet with about 1/10th of the excitement you had when you initially bought the napkin-rag, then after several years you wonder why you never wear that piece of body cloth and then it all comes back to you to that one time you ecstatically opened up a can of smoked oysters marinated in olive oil while you were driving because multitask. Well, mutlitask fail.
This might be one of those things where my mom told me this nifty trick when I was a cranky teenager and I proceeded to immediately flush it from my memory because remembering the lyrics to ALL the Green Day songs at that point in time was priority. Or maybe it was when I was a wee-little toe head and walking around with greasy bagel bites stains on your shirt and using your pants as a paper towel was accepted. Either way, mom, I’m sorry I am just now taking this advice.
DAWN. SOAP. Yes, the stuff they use to remove oil off of little duckies and seals in Alaska. If you’re sitting there thinking “Wow Kayla, have you been living under a stupid rock or something?”. My answer to that is: 1) That’s rude. And 2) I have only recently began “adulting” and I have to say, it’s not as exciting as wearing jeans with holes in them, or shirts that show my non-cleavage. But I tell ya what, the moment I have to invest in a shirt, it’s like a ticking time bomb. At what point is my bulletproof coffee going to explode out of the bottom of my mason jar while I’m trapped underneath my seatbelt driving on the freeway? At what point will I be nervously eating a salad wearing an interview outfit I put on annually, flinging olive oil left and right? At what point will I be oil-pulling and have to sneeze and then I have no choice but to let it go? I’m forced to anticipate these things because they are inevitable.
I have had two shirts (one of which was quite the investment) that are my favorite that I could wear everyday! Both have had huge oil stains on them (one of which happened to fall right over my chest area… “oMg ArE yOu LaCtAtiNg?!”). I am telling you now, both of the stains came out. One shirt was gray, one shirt was red. The red one had been stained for 2 years. Obviously I kept it because every night I wished upon a star that the stain would go away. Full disclosure: It never went away. Long story short:
- Soaked the shirts in HOT water. Hot enough that I burned my fingerprints off and had to post-pone my live scan.
- Scrubbed Dawn soap onto the stains long enough to where I could imagine cute little bubbly micelles forming and dissolving the oil/grease stains.
- Rinsed the shirts in boiling hot lava water and ended up having to ring them out in the shower because the sink was overflowing with bubbles.
- Hung the shirts up to dry and made one more birthday wish that the stains would vanish.
They did. And now, my napkin-rags are lined up out the door for cleaning because I’m more than sure I have stained most of them, and now I have a solution. Just keep in mind, no matter, the price, the material, or the style, clothes remain to be giant napkins.