Caveman By Karnivore Kayla

In a world that doesn’t want you to succeed, overcome.

 

I wish there was a way I didn’t have to make that sound like an inspirational poster, I almost threw up writing it. Here’s the thing, it’s the holiday season, and it’s this wonderful time of year where we make an absurd amount of stupid decisions, and spread ourselves out way to thin, and have poor time management. Perhaps it does not even matter that it’s the holiday season and that’s just your life in a nutshell. I’m going to revolve a statement like the one at the top around food because guess what…everybody eats. And just because this time of year can be stressful or you’re just loco all the time, at least it doesn’t have to be about “what’s for lunch”.

 

My mom and I always use to go to the beach in summer and never, ever did we ever leave the house without packing a lunch or snacks and something to drink. My head metaphorically explodes off my shoulders when someone goes anywhere without having packed some sort of food or beverage. Does this make me crazy? I’d say it’s what makes me human.

 

Caveman that lived: “When is my next meal going to be?”

Extinct caveman: “I’ll just see what Gordon hunted/gathered and mooch off of him.”

 

It’s the reason why I eat before I go anywhere so I don’t end up being the person that A) says “There’s nothing here I can eat” (and now I’m hangry af) or B) ends up making dumb decisions that come with a main course of guilt and a side of a glorious stomach ache.

 

There’s these really cool things that are capable of holding an entire days worth of food, and are terribly convenient. In fact, they have been around for ages! [luhnch-boks]-noun: “a small container, usually of metal or plastic and with a handle, for carrying one’s lunch from home to school or work.” I know some people feel childish and stupid carrying a lunchbox around feeling as if your mom just packed your lunch. If that’s the case, you can just shove your lunch in a paper/plastic grocery bag like Kayla did in 7th grade and walk around feeling all cool because now you don’t carry a compact tote bag that has specific areas designed to keep your beverages separate from your food and also a small area to place an ice pack to keep your tuna salad sando cool. Except now everything is falling out of the hole your fork just created in the bottom of your trash bag and now everyone knows you’re a loser again. Congratulations. Just buy yourself a freaking lunchbox. You’re mom would not only be proud, but be so relieved she might not have to pack your lunch anymore, dude.

 

If you have major first world probs and just CANNOT eat cold food, there’s another really awesome invention called a thermos. [thur-muh s] noun: “a vacuum bottle or similar container lined with an insulating material,such as polystyrene, to keep liquids hot or cold.” I hate to boast but my parents have raised to be a thermos aficionado. Partially because I’m spoiled rotten and my parents wanted me to enjoy a warm cup of Chef Boyardee Raviolis, and maybe also because it’s cold in Tahoe and it just seemed appropriate to have a warm meal in the dead of winter.

Here’s where I lose my nuggets. Vending machines. I mean, you’ve really gotten to your last resort. If it’s between Cheetos and Chex Mix, I would probably starve. This whole ordeal came to be when I started school (like 4 weeks ago) and it was brought to my attention that vending machines still exist. Which means people still buy crap out of vending machines. I would too if there was anything relatively decent in there. There’s even a vending machine next to the one that has chips and crackers in it that is almost portrayed as “The All-Naturale” machine and it’s also, not to my surprise, filled with garbage. I take that back, not ALL of it sucks. There is some dried organic mango and one cherry pie Larabar that no one is ever going to buy except myself (but not really because chances are I came prepared with my own snacks). How great would it be to see a vending machine filled with grass-fed jerky, raw or roasted nuts that are not roasted in s*** oils, unsweetened organic dried fruit, unsweetened coconut water, and an array of nuts butters!! I know I’m really shooting for the moon here, but if vending machines are all about convenient snacking, then why don’t they provide real food with some sort of nutritional value…$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (and because the world is run by the man).

 

Here’s the deal. Be prepared, be an awesome human being and prepare food for yourself. And if there’s anyone else you like around you, keep them alive and prepare some food for them too. If you don’t like them, give them one thousand dollars and send them to a vending machine and have them enjoy that for the next few years and see how that works out.

 

In a world that doesn’t want you to succeed, overcome.

 

I wish there was a way I didn’t have to make that sound like an inspirational poster, I almost threw up writing it. Here’s the thing, it’s the holiday season, and it’s this wonderful time of year where we make an absurd amount of stupid decisions, and spread ourselves out way to thin, and have poor time management. Perhaps it does not even matter that it’s the holiday season and that’s just your life in a nutshell. I’m going to revolve a statement like the one at the top around food because guess what…everybody eats. And just because this time of year can be stressful or you’re just loco all the time, at least it doesn’t have to be about “what’s for lunch”.

 

My mom and I always use to go to the beach in summer and never, ever did we ever leave the house without packing a lunch or snacks and something to drink. My head metaphorically explodes off my shoulders when someone goes anywhere without having packed some sort of food or beverage. Does this make me crazy? I’d say it’s what makes me human.

 

Caveman that lived: “When is my next meal going to be?”

Extinct caveman: “I’ll just see what Gordon hunted/gathered and mooch off of him.”

 

It’s the reason why I eat before I go anywhere so I don’t end up being the person that A) says “There’s nothing here I can eat” (and now I’m hangry af) or B) ends up making dumb decisions that come with a main course of guilt and a side of a glorious stomach ache.

 

There’s these really cool things that are capable of holding an entire days worth of food, and are terribly convenient. In fact, they have been around for ages! [luhnch-boks]-noun: “a small container, usually of metal or plastic and with a handle, for carrying one’s lunch from home to school or work.” I know some people feel childish and stupid carrying a lunchbox around feeling as if your mom just packed your lunch. If that’s the case, you can just shove your lunch in a paper/plastic grocery bag like Kayla did in 7th grade and walk around feeling all cool because now you don’t carry a compact tote bag that has specific areas designed to keep your beverages separate from your food and also a small area to place an ice pack to keep your tuna salad sando cool. Except now everything is falling out of the hole your fork just created in the bottom of your trash bag and now everyone knows you’re a loser again. Congratulations. Just buy yourself a freaking lunchbox. You’re mom would not only be proud, but be so relieved she might not have to pack your lunch anymore, dude.

 

If you have major first world probs and just CANNOT eat cold food, there’s another really awesome invention called a thermos. [thur-muh s] noun: “a vacuum bottle or similar container lined with an insulating material,such as polystyrene, to keep liquids hot or cold.” I hate to boast but my parents have raised to be a thermos aficionado. Partially because I’m spoiled rotten and my parents wanted me to enjoy a warm cup of Chef Boyardee Raviolis, and maybe also because it’s cold in Tahoe and it just seemed appropriate to have a warm meal in the dead of winter.

Here’s where I lose my nuggets. Vending machines. I mean, you’ve really gotten to your last resort. If it’s between Cheetos and Chex Mix, I would probably starve. This whole ordeal came to be when I started school (like 4 weeks ago) and it was brought to my attention that vending machines still exist. Which means people still buy crap out of vending machines. I would too if there was anything relatively decent in there. There’s even a vending machine next to the one that has chips and crackers in it that is almost portrayed as “The All-Naturale” machine and it’s also, not to my surprise, filled with garbage. I take that back, not ALL of it sucks. There is some dried organic mango and one cherry pie Larabar that no one is ever going to buy except myself (but not really because chances are I came prepared with my own snacks). How great would it be to see a vending machine filled with grass-fed jerky, raw or roasted nuts that are not roasted in s*** oils, unsweetened organic dried fruit, unsweetened coconut water, and an array of nuts butters!! I know I’m really shooting for the moon here, but if vending machines are all about convenient snacking, then why don’t they provide real food with some sort of nutritional value…$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$$ (and because the world is run by the man).

 

Here’s the deal. Be prepared, be an awesome human being and prepare food for yourself. And if there’s anyone else you like around you, keep them alive and prepare some food for them too. If you don’t like them, give them one thousand dollars and send them to a vending machine and have them enjoy that for the next few years and see how that works out.