How to tell if your CrossFit gym is cool

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By Jocelyn

Sure, good programming and keen, experienced coaching are important staples for a successful CrossFit gym. A nice roomy facility with clean, durable equipment helps too. But how do you know when your CrossFit gym has really arrived? I got to thinking about the things that really matter and decided to prioritize them to make it simple for you to see how your gym fairs.

1. First and foremost it is extremely important that your clients generally sport knee high socks, skins socks, or skins tights on a regular basis. Apparently they help with recovery (I swear!) but more importantly Jason Khalipa wore them at the 2009 CrossFit Games and just look how well he did. I mean, the guy is an animal. It must be the skins. 2 points.

2. Tattoos: this is kind of an important one. I’d say that about 60% of your clients need to have visible tattoos, and at least half of those people need to have full sleeves, chest pieces or large calf coverings. 2 points if you cover those requirements. 3 points if most of the tattoos around the gym are skull and crossbones, demons, flames/ traditional sailor/tattoo art, or other gothic/punk/hard core art work. 5 points if you have and actual tattoo parlor set up in the back of the gym.

3. Mohawks: Now I know it’s asking a lot for a large percentage of guys at the box to have one, but I’d say you should have at least one guy sporting the neo CrossFit hawk at all times if you really want to call yourself a true CrossFit gym. 2 points for at least 1 full hawk. 1 point for a faux hawk.

4. Catchy T Shirt Slogans: this is not really an option if you want to be on the CrossFit map.  And it’s got to be blatantly insulting in some way or it doesn’t count. None of this “strong is beautiful” crap. It’s got to have swearing, or jokes about your mom:), something that people out there are sure to disapprove of because, after all, they just don’t get it. 2 points

5. The Shirtless Club: Once you’ve gotten 50% of your members to regularly be a part of the shirtless club, you know you’re well on your way to real success. Not only are they fit and confident enough to take it off, but now you can see those sick tattoos. 2 points

6. Zip up hoodies: pull overs are sooo yesterday. Right now, it’s all about the Zip Up hoodie. Preferably black with tattoo style writing across the chest in some sort of gnarly font like old English or Gothic Script. 2 points

7. Vibrams: we’re actually going to take away points for this one. We spent so much time building up our hardcore image with the tattoos, mohawks, offensive T-shirts, etc., and then a few marshmallows want to come along and screw it all up with a pair of rubber ducky shoes. Subtract 3 points

8. Lulu lemon clothes: Ladies, they’re cute, their comfy, and everyone is wearing them. We need a good 70% sporting Lulu. 2 points

9. Paleo post workout meals: If a number of you members hang around after class with their shirts off, snacking on their paleo post wod meal consisting of nuts, gluten free jerky, and fruit add 2 points

10. Noise complaints: if you’ve been kicked out of the past 3 locations, are now situated in a warehouse located in a loud, busy, industrial area and are still receiving noise complaints due to loud music and dropping weights, well then my friend, you have arrived. 3 points

Since here at CrossFit we are ok with mediocrity (I mean, we’re not trying to be the best at any one thing but just pretty good at a lot of things) we’re going to go ahead and pass you with a 60%. So if you got 12 or more points, then consider yourself on the right track.

Furthermore, if you didn’t at least laugh or chuckle once during this post, or worse, didn’t understand the satire and sarcasm in this test then it might be better if you joined your local globo gym.

PLEASE POST THOUGHTS FOR EXTRA CREDIT TO COMMENTS

Workout:

OH Squat

3,3,3,3,3

AMRAP 15 min

10 KB Swings (2 pood/1.5 pood)

30 Double Unders

Finisher:

100m sprints x5 (2 min rest between each)